UNDERSTANDING ATTACHMENT STYLES

What is an attachment style?

An attachment style is pattern of behavior one displays in a relationship. It includes how one responds emotionally to their partner, how they navigate through the relationship and the type of behavior one manifests in the relationship. There are different types of attachment styles and that includes anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, fearful-avoidant/ disorganized attachment and secure attachment. Attachment styles in adulthood results from one’s early childhood experiences in relation to their primary caregivers. Contrary to popular belief, an attachment style is not associated with one’s personality but it is a style of attachment that you have learnt on how to relate with others.
According to the attachment theory formulated by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s, an individual’s attachment style is shaped by their early childhood experiences in relation to the relationship they had with their primary caregiver. Hence, it is a learnt behavior and because we have learnt to behave in those ways, that means that we are able to unlearn it and train ourselves to form healthy attachments.

Anxious Attachment

What fuels this type of attachment style is the constant fear of abandonment and rejection. Here, a person fears intimacy because they believe that their partner will leave. It is marked by a low sense of worth and a person tends to view themselves negatively while putting others on a higher pedestal. This causes them to deeply believe that “no one will stay” because of their flaws and insecurities. They easily worry when their partner does not text them back as fast as they’d wish, they are obsessive in detecting other people’s moods and are quick to people please in order to earn validation and approval from others. They do all these with the intention of “salvaging or rescuing” the relationship, however, in actual sense, this repels their partner further away than bringing them closer home.

Avoidant Attachment

This attachment style is marked by a fear of intimacy or closeness in a relationship. People exhibiting this type of attachment believe that others cannot be trusted therefore aren’t open to being vulnerable and showing their emotions to their partners. Subconsciously, they believe that other people cannot meet their needs which causes them to fear getting close with others. They purposefully sabotage their relationships whenever they get too close or push away when conflict arises. Their inability to trust others makes them become fiercely independent. They may act cold or distant, seemingly appearing not to care but essentially they are doing all these to “protect” themselves not knowing that these particular habits are those that drive people away and are not healthy for any relationship.

Fearful-avoidant/ Disorganized Attachment

This is a type of attachment whereby an individual exhibits both anxious and avoidant attachment behaviors. Sometimes, this individual will yearn or crave for deep emotional connection and in other times they may intentionally avoid or become distant in their relationships. They have an intense desire for intimacy but at the same time fear getting very close with others. They may deliberately display behaviors that pushes their partner away then still apologize afterwards in a bid to keep the relationship. Their behaviors are unpredictable and inconsistent hence named as disorganized attachment style.

Nonetheless, in the general population, this is a rare attachment style that affects people and hasn’t been quite well researched but the main characteristics associated with it is difficulty managing emotions, heightened sexual behavior and increased risk of violence in their relationships.

Secure Attachment

This is a healthy form of attachment as it is marked by feelings of security within an individual and other people. People with a secure attachment are able to trust others and be trusted because they are reliable. They have close and intimate interpersonal relationships and they do not fear intimacy. They are able to strike a balance between being independent and being dependent. They feel comfortable being alone but value intimacy in their relationships. They have a strong sense of self and are very confident in themselves. They are able to express their needs and feelings assertively and this strengthens the bonds in their relationships and they treat their partners with love, care and respect.

It is important to note that having a secure attachment style does not guarantee a healthy relationship especially if their partner displays one of the insecure attachments mentioned above. Nonetheless, if conflict arises in a relationship, they are better equipped to know how to handle it as they have the right tools to manage their emotions. Additionally, they are more likely to leave a toxic relationship because they believe they are worthy of love and this makes them have strong boundaries and know just how much they can compromise in a relationship.

How to build a secure attachment

• Learn yourself/ Know yourself

It is important to learn yourself by building your self awareness as this helps you to understand yourself and know why you respond the way you do to other people. Knowing yourself will help you to learn your triggers which will help you to identify the areas in your life that you need to work on. Spending some time alone allows you to build your self awareness which is a necessary quality in creating healthy relationships.

• Practising positive self talk

The relationship you have with yourself is as vital as the relationship you have with others. Being compassionate and gracious to yourself is fundamental for building a high self esteem and confidence. Being kind to yourself and seeing yourself in positive light helps in building your self worth. And as they say, water yourself as you water others because you can never pour into others what you haven’t poured into yourself.

• Find ways of self soothing

Find a way to regulate your emotions that is independent of anyone else's actions i.e without constantly needing another person’s reassurance of their commitment towards you. It is necessary to seek emotional support but not to the point of being overly bearing towards others as this can be immensely draining to the other partner. Some of the ways you can relax your mind may include going for walks in nature, spending some time in meditation, listening to music, dancing, watching funny videos or a movie, going for a swim among others. These practices can be helpful in grounding yourself and attaining a balanced mood without relying on another person to fix your emotions.

• Learning to trust yourself and others

Trusting others can be very difficult especially for people who have had any kinds of trauma in the past or experienced a toxic relationship. You may also feel like it’s hard to trust yourself to make better decisions. But it is a skill you will learn when you are able to forgive yourself, process any unresolved emotions, being kind to yourself and generally working on yourself. Steadily, you will build that trust in yourself. Being hurt by others is inevitable but when you have trust in yourself, even when others disappoint you, you will not abandon yourself, you will choose yourself and make the right decisions that are best for you. Trusting yourself will help you to trust others and you will give people the benefit of doubt and not lead the relationship always thinking of the worst case scenario. You will approach the relationship in a secure way which is necessary for a healthy relationship.

• Practising healthy communication skills

It is important to learn how to communicate your needs and feelings effectively in any relationship as this will help your partner understand you. Additionally, knowing how to deliver a message is important instead of searching for inadequacies in the other person. For example, saying to someone “I’d love it if you text me before you sleep” as opposed to “why didn’t you send me a text before you slept” will help your partner know what you need and if in months, they do not deliver what you told them, then you can decide whether or not to be with them. Be clear with expressing what you want or need from the relationship as this will define how both of you will navigate through the relationship.

Bottom line

We are not born with an attachment style, rather, we learn how to relate with others as our early childhood experiences shape us to model such behaviors in our interaction with others. It is possible to unlearn unhealthy forms of attachment and pick up healthy forms of attachment that best serve us and those around us. By being intentional about working on ourselves, we can be better placed in knowing how to handle our relationships. Nevertheless, if you notice that you have any form of unhealthy attachment, it is important to seek guidance from a professional therapist who can assist you in your journey of improving yourself and empowering you to navigate through your relationships successfully. 

Article by
Therapist Faith Cherotich 
chepkwonyfaith13@gmail.com

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