UNDERSTANDING THE MOTHER WOUND AND HOW TO HEAL FROM IT.

What is a mother wound?

A mother wound is a psychological issue that you experience if your mother was not physically or emotionally present or was overly controlling. A mother's presence is very strong and without it, an infant finds it hard to adapt to its' surroundings, has attachment issues and doesn't feel safe and secure within itself. Sometimes, it's easy to come to the realization that we may have been under mothered e.g if our mother was a drug/alcohol addict, had an untreated mental health condition or had a physical illness that made it hard for her to show up as a mother. In other instances, however, we may not be aware that we have a mother wound because on the outside it looks nice and wonderful. We may have had our basic needs provided for, have all the material resources we needed but when it came to love and attention, there was a major deficit. This can happen if she was emotionally distant and seemed to be preoccupied with her life or even that she was physically, verbally and mentally abusive.

The mother wound can happen to both men and women and is usually passed through generations and may affect one's parenting if not addressed. 

Signs that you were under mothered

If you relate with most of these signs then chances are that you have a mother wound.

• Your mother was physically or emotionally absent.
• Your mother was more preoccupied with her life than yours. 
• Your mother was physically, emotionally or mentally abusive.
• Your mother went through abuse and didn't process it.
• Your mother abused alcohol or drugs.
• Your mother had an untreated mental health condition.
• Your mother was unpredictable. You didn't know when she would be happy or sad/angry.
• Your mother was extremely harsh and critical growing up.
• Your mother made you feel responsible for her emotions. 

How it manifests in adulthood

1. Obsessively seeking for external validation.

This is because we couldn't get the love and attention from our mothers hence we become addicted looking for validation outside of ourselves.

2. Losing a sense of self. 

We are not able to establish an identity for ourselves because our entire identity has been distorted by how our mothers raised us. For example, if you had an overly controlling mother, you may struggle alot with authenticity because your mother saw you as an extension of herself and made you fulfill her own likings and interests so it's hard to know who you are and what your interests, capabilities and passions are.

3. Inability to self soothe. 

A mother helps a child to identify and manage their emotions and without this basis, a child may not know how to deal with intense emotions which makes them prone to addictions in adulthood because they haven't been empowered to manage emotions on their own.

4. Thinking that you are responsible for your mother's emotions.

When your mother's emotions are unpredictable, as a child you may blame yourself because you feel responsible for how your mother feels. 

5. Need for control. 

As a result of not being able to please your mother, you may develop perfectionism because you are striving to gain your mother's approval. You tend to self sabotage when you make mistakes because you perceive them as failure rather than a part of the learning processes of life. You may also be guarded up always and defensive because you are trying to control how others perceive you.

6. Inability to form strong relationships.

Not being able to get love, attention and care from your mother when you were young may make you perceive that these emotional elements are limited and hard to get by making you dismiss people when they want to get close to you because you feel that it's not real. You may also have trust issues because you never experienced trust with your mother.

7. Tendency to fix/ rescue others or be a people pleaser.

We only feel worthy when we are helping others solving problems and attuning to other people's needs instead of feeling worthy because intrinsically we are. This happens due to the fact that we always felt responsible to "save" our mother from sad or heavy emotions and we project this onto others. In this case, it becomes hard to set and maintain boundaries because we are functioning from a place of self-sacrifice. 

8. Low self esteem

As a result of our mother not attuning to our emotional needs, we experience deep feelings of inadequacy. This is because we hold ourselves to extremely high standards in order to compensate for those feelings.

9. Struggling with self sabotage.

Because we couldn't please our mother in any way we tried or it was difficult to do so, we tend to blame ourselves. We struggle with shame and guilt as adults. We are unable to feel fulfilled at our achievements and we tend to be overly critical with ourselves.

How to heal the mother wound

i) Accepting 

The mother wound is a form of parental abuse that is rarely talked about in our society hence it can feel difficult to embrace that you experienced it. You may even feel guilty for feeling this way but accepting what was wrong in the past means accepting healing and freedom in the present. Coming to terms that you actually have a mother wound is the first step of healing. It can be easy living in denial that everything was okay but it takes a toll on you and you may unconsciously pass this wound to your children if you do not process it. Acknowledging this doesn't mean blaming your mother entirely but it means validating your emotions and what you lacked as a child. 

ii) Expressing 

The next step is expressing it. One way you can do this is through journalling. Write down how your mother made you feel and what it was like in your childhood. This is important because it brings to surface the deep seated emotions that are buried within so that it can be processed and released. If you are worried about feeling overwhelming emotions, it is good to remember that the only way to heal is to feel, no healing takes place if we remain numb to our emotions. When journalling, it is vital to get clear about how you experienced the relationship with your mother without minimizing your feelings. Be as raw as you can as this will really help in your healing journey. 

Another way to express the pain is by seeking therapy. Going for therapy helps you to express all those heavy emotions of guilt, shame, self doubt, sadness, feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. Therapeutic support offers a safe space to speak your mind and helps you gain a broader perspective on your issues. It is advisable to seek professional counseling if you have experienced the mother wound so that you can get quality advice, guidance and support in your healing process.

iii) Learning to reparent yourself

It is important to understand that just because your mother was incapable of being there for you when you needed her, doesn't mean that you don't deserve to have a mother and you can become a mother to the inner child that is within you yearning for a mother. You can reparent yourself now by:-

• Validating yourself

Innately, we are born with a need for love, care and attention and if our mother does not provide us with these as a child, our human mind will look for reasons as to why our mother behaved in such a way, that's just how our brains are wired. As a child, your mind will pick up belief systems that are limiting such as, 'I am not good enough', 'I must be flawed', 'I must be a bad child', 'Something is wrong with me that makes my mother distant', we really can't help it and this goes on even in our adulthood. Until we learn to reprogram our mind, we will be stuck in these old beliefs. We can do this by reminding ourselves that it wasn't our fault. Listening to affirmations is also a great way to change old belief systems to new and positive ones because they go straight to the subconscious mind which is responsible for our thoughts and feelings. 

• Practice positive self talk

As a result of having a mother wound, we may struggle with self sabotage and this can be insidiously destructive. Teach yourself to see yourself in positive light, correct yourself with compassion when you make mistakes and try not to be hard on yourself. Be gentle and gracious to yourself as you would to a friend.

• Practice self care 

Take care of yourself and make yourself a priority. Do activities that replenish your mind, body and soul e.g eating healthy, walking in nature, listening to uplifting music. Nonetheless, pamper yourself and give yourself the things you wished for as a child like buying yourself treats, going for a massage, taking a bubb etc, because you deserve it. 

iv) Forgiveness

Forgiveness can only be achieved after going through the steps mentioned above. Processing the mother wound and releasing heavy emotions moves you into a place of forgiveness. Understanding what you went through helps in understanding why your mother is the way she is because you begin to see things from her perspective. Motherhood can be a challenge and sometimes, it wasn't our mother's intention not to be present in our lives. Gaining this clarity helps one to step into this space with ease. However, if the relationship is too toxic to bear, it is advisable to take a step back and place boundaries in your relationship with your mother. Creating distance also will help in such a case. 

Take out

Coming to terms that you have a mother wound is one thing and being proactive in your healing process is another thing. We can't change the past but we can change our present and let go of the resentment that prevents us from moving forward. Holding this resentment is holding ourselves hostage to our emotional freedom. Face your fears and allow yourself to bloom by taking initiative towards your healing journey. Keep in mind that you are not only healing yourself but you are also healing future generations to come. All the best in your healing journey. 

Warm regards, 

Therapist Faith Chepkwony.