LONELINESS AND HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.
Have you ever been in a group of people but not necessarily felt like you were a part of it? Or that you know a lot of people but have no real deep connections? This could be a sign of loneliness. More than just essential needs, the feelings of love and belonging are innate needs in human beings and without it our longevity tends to subsequently decrease. Loneliness looks like wanting to fit in, wanting to be seen and heard but not having the capacity to support human interaction. When we feel deprived of the feelings of love and belonging in our lives, we may end up feeling lonely even in the midst of others.However, the experience of loneliness is personal and unique therefore we tend to experience it differently e.g one might feel lonely after having a divorce while another might feel lonely because they are unable to make friends. The needs are different in both cases.
So much has loneliness become an evident epidemic in today's society such that the UK and Japan governments set aside dockets for the Minister of Loneliness in their governments in the recent years. The rise of social media and technological advancements are external factors that have also attributed to the increased levels of loneliness in today's world.
Being alone vs Being lonely
Many people confuse being alone with feeling lonely but this isn't necessarily true because you can be alone and not feel lonely. People who like to be alone love to enjoy doing things alone but they always retreat back to their human relationships when they feel the need to. They actually have positive social connections. In conclusion, not all people who like to be alone are lonely.
On the other hand, loneliness is marked by feelings of social isolation despite craving social connections and it is involuntary i.e one may not be included or involved in a group setting or is ostracized by the group in spite of being a part of it. Hence, not all lonely people are technically alone.
Causes of loneliness
1. Lack of a self-identity.
If you do not know who you are and haven't developed self awareness which is key in creating a self identity, connecting with others remains elusive. When we are not able to connect with ourselves, it makes it hard to connect with others because we aren't authentic. Not being authentic towards yourself means you haven't accepted who you are and when you haven't accepted yourself, it becomes hard to be yourself even when with others and this increases feelings of loneliness.
2. Not making time for ourselves.
When we neglect ourselves and don't tend to our garden, we begin to run on empty. And running on empty means not having the capacity to show up for others when they need you. If we do not nourish our being( body, mind, soul), we feel depleted therefore unable to connect with others and be present when they need us. This harms our personal relationships, making us feel more lonely than ever.
3. Social perfectionism.
People who have social perfectionism tend to hold everyone to extremely high standards that even the slightest differences prompt one to completely dissolve a friendship. 'Cutting off' someone isn't a bad thing if they are disrespectful and dismissive of your entire being but people with social perfectionism "cut off" people for the most minor reasons like not sharing the same religious beliefs or political stance which could highlight tendencies of social perfectionism.
4. Excessive use of social media.
This is an external factor that perpetuates levels of loneliness in today's society. We have become slightly dependent on our phones, we forget to be present in conversations with our family and friends. Instead of checking in with our loved ones or friends and getting to know how they are doing, we become engrossed on our phones absorbing information a little bit too much than is necessary. This leaves us feeling exhausted and impedes the connection we have towards each other.
Other factors that can cause loneliness.
- Low self esteem
- Poor social skills
- Having a physical or mental illness
Loneliness and it's link to mental health
People with mental health issues desire for people to understand and accept them. However, society does not create a conducive environment for these groups because of the apparent stigma associated with mental health. People with mental health issues are harshly judged by society and this makes them feel lonely as they are misunderstood. This makes it hard for them to improve. Having a place where you are understood and unconditionally accepted can be very healing and it is this that people with mental health problems are deprived of. It's good to note that not all lonely people have mental health issues but people with mental health problems are susceptible to experiencing loneliness and experiencing loneliness increases the chances of developing a mental health disorder.
Dealing with loneliness
1. Develop self awareness.
Self awareness is crucial because it enables you to know who you are and develop your self identity. Here are 3 core practises that can help you connect you to yourself:-
- Journalling- This helps you to keep track of your thoughts and feelings from time to time. The benefits of this includes:-
ii) Expressing yourself in a raw and honest way because it provides a safe space for your thoughts.
iii) Grounds you. Acts a stress reliever because it gives you an opportunity to vent and write down any racing thoughts that you may have. This helps you to feel more in control and balanced.
- Meditation- This is the awareness of your thoughts, sensations and surroundings without judging the experience. It is the act of being aware of what you are doing in that present moment. If you haven't checked out my article on mindfulness meditation, check it out on my blog . Meditation helps in:-
i) Expanding your perception or awareness. You are able to know yourself deeply and assess situations clearly without bias. Helps you to view situations objectively.
ii) Brings serenity and tranquility. Because meditation involves not attaching any judgements to your experiences, it helps you find a sense of calm and harmony even in stressful situations.
- Spending time alone- This is a perfect way to know yourself. You can spend time by yourself doing an activity, for example, cooking, cleaning, or doing something relaxing like taking yourself on a solo date, going for a massage, listening to music. This helps you to discover yourself; your interests, passions and aspirations and this enables you to make better decisions for yourself, increases your authenticity and self connection.
2. Find your tribe.
Finding your tribe means finding people that share the same interests and traits as yourself or those who possess traits that you would like to emulate. As mentioned earlier, you don't have to be alone to feel lonely, you can have a group of friends but still feel deeply lonely and that's why finding your tribe is essential. When we have a solid identity of ourselves, finding those who resonate with our values, principles and interests will be an easy task. This helps you feel like you are part of something bigger in society as it creates a sense of belonging which is vital for wellbeing. If you like to read books, you can join a book club, if you like dancing, you can sign up for a dance class, the list is endless! Find a community that shares the same interests and values that you hold.
3. Show compassion.
According to psychologists Martin Seligman and Ed Diener, altruism improves mental and physical health. Cheering others not only cheers us in the process but also increases our sense of relatedness which makes us feel less lonely. Also, providing support for others positively influences the key brain areas responsible for stress and reward responses according to brain imaging research from Naomi Eisenberger from UCLA. Support decreases stress responses in the brain so maybe the missing link between you and your feelings of loneliness could be to reach out to someone who needs some help, donating to a charity or being a volunteer in a charitable organization. Who knows?, you might just make a friend in the process.
4. Know that there is no "perfect" friend.
Philosopher and author of 'A Philosophy Of Loneliness' Lars Svensden, implies that people with chronic loneliness may likely be social perfectionists. He states that social perfectionism is more common in lonely individuals than non lonely. They tend to think that they are not worthy of love and friendship but it could be likely that they place unrealistic or impossible expectations on others that makes them incapable of loving and befriending others. It is important to understand that people have flaws and not every social interaction should be fun. Sometimes it's awkward, messy or silly and knowing this will help you to relax in other people's presence and enjoy interaction.
5. Make time for yourself.
We have to be mindful of ourselves and be sensitive to what our mind, body and soul is saying. Does your body require rest? Or do you feel like taking a long ride to relax your mind?, whatever it is that you need to do to feel whole again, do it. Doing practices that nourish you helps you to become balanced and be the best version of yourself. And when we are our better version of ourselves, then our connection with others becomes harmonious.
Take out
Everyone experiences loneliness at some point in their lives but if these feelings of loneliness go on for long periods of time then it is advisable to talk to a therapist or doctor about it. Chronic loneliness may affect one's physical and mental health so it is crucial to deal with it right away using the steps mentioned above. Overcoming loneliness may seem challenging at first but step by step, you will slowly begin to form new relationships and maintain the existing ones. A therapist will also help you by offering you guidance and support towards overcoming loneliness.
Article by,
Therapist Faith Chepkwony
(chepkwonyfaith13@gmail.com)
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