HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE A PEOPLE PLEASER.

 

PEOPLE PLEASING.

A people pleaser is a person who puts other people’s needs above their own. They stretch themselves  so much for others that they end up exhausting themselves and forego their own emotional needs.  An example of a people pleaser is a person who accepts extra work from their boss at the time they are supposed to leave the office but because he/she is seeking for approval or wants to be seen as an overachiever, they extend themselves regardless of what time they will go home. Often they are perceived to be agreeable, helpful, kind, but on the flip side, they struggle to truly express their needs how they genuinely feel which leads to a toxic pattern of self neglect.

Being overly concerned with pleasing others in order to earn people’s validation and maintain relationships can be an underlying symptom of:-

- Anxiety or depression.

- Avoidant personality disorder.

- Borderline personality disorder.

- Codependency or dependent personality disorder.

 

Signs of being a people pleaser.

 

1) Saying yes when you want to say no.

2) Making decisions you don’t want to make but end up making because you want to be liked.

3) Having poor boundaries or struggling to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

4) Constantly seeking for approval and validation from others.

5) Need to constantly apologize when you’ve done nothing wrong.

6) Always taking the blame for things you didn’t do.

7) Neglecting your own needs while prioritizing other people’s needs.

8) Agreeing to other people’s opinions even though you think differently.

9) Trying to control other people’s perception of you.

10) Never having any free time because you are always doing things for people

Causes of people pleasing.

1.  Low self esteem.

Due to a poor self esteem, you may try to please people in a bid to compensate for your feelings of inferiority, unworthiness and low self confidence. Therefore, you will constantly seek for external validation to fill this void.

2. Lack of a sense of self or identity.

If you haven’t established a concrete self identity, you will be unsure of who you are and what you stand for. You only see yourself as valuable when you do things for others and make other people happy. You don’t feel enough just as you are but you feel enough based on what you have to offer to others as you do not have a strong identity for yourself.

3. History of abuse.

3  3     If you have in the past been made to feel by your primary caregivers that you are responsible for their emotions and happiness, most likely you will feel obligated to make other people happy as you grow up. This is caused by guilt complex which is a toxic type of guilt which makes you constantly believe that you are the cause of other people’s unhappiness or negative emotions. Furthermore, if you were abused in any way in the past, you will avoid triggering abusive behaviour in others thus you will strive to please others.

4. Perfectionism.

This is caused by an inferiority complex whereby you tend to think that you need to overachieve and completely avoid making mistakes to earn people’s approval. This could have resulted from having caregivers who accorded you to such a high standard that if you failed to meet them, they would disregard you. If you don’t challenge these past events, you will project this into other harmless situations which will make you feel distressed and see yourself as a failure.

 

Effects of people pleasing.

• Poor mental health.

 This can trigger mental health problems such as stress and anxiety because you are so absorbed in tending to others people's needs that you forget to take care of your own wellbeing.

•  Impairs your relationship with loved ones.

This may cause strained relationships because you spend a lot of your time and energy focusing on other people’s needs but your family. As a result, you don’t get enough time to spend with your loved ones and people who matter.

• May lead to anger issues.

a     Because your primary goal is to be liked and earn approval by ensuring that others are happy, failing to accomplish this will make you beat yourself up and make you feel like you have let others down. You will also feel that you are not being appreciated enough for overly extending yourself to others when in actual sense, they might be thinking that you are always available in lending a hand and may not even realize that they are taking advantage of you.

•         Lack of authenticity.

As a result of being too scared to be disliked, you may hide your true nature and avoid expressing your true feelings about things. This will make other people feel as though they have figured you out because you are agreeing to all their opinions. Due to this agreeable nature, you may also start losing yourself in the process to the point of not knowing yourself anymore.

•  Inability to accomplish your own goals.

Due to prioritizing other people’s goals above your own, you may find yourself lacking energy and zeal to accomplish your own. You may lose focus and concentration thus depleting your willpower in achieving your goals.

 

How to recover from people pleasing.

 

1. Assert firm boundaries.

Establish strong boundaries by knowing what you are capable of doing within a certain time limit. Realize what you can and cannot do to avoid over accommodating other’s needs and ensure that you clearly communicate those boundaries to other people. This may be difficult at first if you are not used to setting and maintaining boundaries, but with practice, it becomes easier and useful. Having healthy boundaries may look like switching off your phone or not responding to office emails over the weekend so that you are able to rest well and spend time with the ones you love.

 

2. Organize your goals and priorities.

Knowing what you want to work on first and setting time for it will go a long way because you will know where to invest your time and energy in before you start to fend for other’s needs. At the end of it, you will be fulfilled when you cater for your own needs first and you will be better placed in tending to other people’s needs. As they saying goes, you cannot pour from an empty cup.

 

3. Analyse a request.

Evaluating a request is very important because it helps you realize the intent behind it. Being a people pleaser may give people the impression that you can go above and beyond to cater for their needs hence, some people may take advantage of your “generosity” and manipulate you to do things for them. If the request is going to override your priorities and goals at the moment, it is better to clearly communicate that you will not be capable in fulfilling the request. If you believe that someone is manipulating you, it is best to withdraw yourself from the situation.

 

5  4. Take time before answering to a request.

If you are uncertain of whether you will fulfill a request, it is key to take some time before responding. This will prevent you from putting yourself in positions where you feel indebted to fulfill other people’s requests. Also, stalling time will enable you to analyze a request and its intent as aforementioned above. This will prevent you from making drastic decisions that will place you in awkward situations whereby you feel obligated to fulfill other people’s requests at the expense of your own needs.

 

6   5. Stop over explaining yourself.

If you choose not to fulfill a request, it is important to assertively communicate this and not give any excuses as to why you chose to decline. Over explaining yourself shows that you feel guilty for making that decision and also it gives others a chance to adjust their requests to fit into your schedule. It is important to note that saying “no” is a complete sentence on its own.

 

76 6. Gauge the reciprocity of your relationships.

If you find that in many occasions you’re the one who is available to cater for your partner or friend’s needs but they are not available for you when you need them, recognize that there is no balance in that relationship. You indulge yourself so much in a toxic pattern of self sacrifice that you end up sabotaging your own emotional and overall wellbeing. You should realize that foregoing your own needs won’t make your partner or friend like you more, as a matter of fact, it will frustrate you even more that you’re giving and you are not receiving in equal measure.

 

87 7.  Reflect on why you want to help.

It is fundamental to do some introspection within yourself and find out why you want to help. Is it that you are worried that others won’t like you if you decline? Is it that you are scared to be perceived as a bad person for standing up for yourself? Is it that you are constantly seeking for validation from others? It is good to know the motivation behind your actions so that you are able to make decisions that benefit you and that do not deplete you.

 

In conclusion,

Whereas people pleasers are generally empathetic, thoughtful and kind people, a lot of these people pleasing habits stem from a poor self image, a need to control people’s perception of you and a tendency to overachieve. All these are masked by people pleasing behaviors and can be detrimental to your overall health if you do not challenge them. It is good to note that pleasing people is not necessarily a bad thing but it becomes harmful when you sabotage your own physical, emotional, mental and social needs as a result of placing others’ needs above your own. If you find that you only feel useful or fulfilled when you help others or when you overachieve, it is important to take some time and reflect on your self identity, self worth and self esteem. A mental health professional will take you through these aspects and help you to identify the underlying problems behind your people pleasing habits and will take you through the process of recovery from it. Note that the difference between altruism and people pleasing is that in the former, you are helping people out of concern and genuine love while in the latter is that you are helping people with a motive of being liked and approved, which will drain you in the long run because the brutal truth is that you cannot be there for everyone and you cannot please everyone.

Written by Therapist Faith Chepkwony.