GASLIGHTING AND HOW TO RECOGNIZE IT.

 

Gaslighting and how to recognize it.

 

Gaslighting is a phrase we often hear and see in the recent days as we scroll through our phones and stumble upon reading materials on psychology, for example, on the internet, blogs and also people use it now more than often in casual conversations. But what really is it?

 Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that leaves a person questioning their beliefs, recollection of events, perception of reality and even sanity. It can happen in various settings ranging from family, romantic relationships, work places to medical institutions. Gaslighting may start gradually but over a period of time, it erodes one’s self esteem and self confidence.

 

Signs that someone is gaslighting you. 

• They deny your recollection of events.
• They call you crazy or sensitive when you express your needs and concerns.
• They insist that you said or did things you didn’t do.
• They express doubts to others concerning your behavior and feelings.
• They retell twisted events so as to shift blame towards you.

 

Reasons why they do it. 

A gaslighter doesn’t want to be responsible for their actions because this would mean invalidating themselves. The main goal of the abuser is to control their victim by making them believe their version of events. By doing this, they validate themselves therefore maintaining a sense of superiority over their victim. Common examples of gaslighting phrases include:

 “You made that up”

 “You are overly sensitive/ dramatic”

 “That never happened”

 “You’ve lost your mind”

Signs that you may have experienced gaslighting:-

•      Need to constantly apologize.

Apologizing is a polite gesture that makes us decent human beings, however, over apologizing is a trauma response that is created to act as a protective mechanism in order to avoid conflict or negative responses from the abuser e.g a relationship partner, family member, boss etc. This behavior could go on even after you leave the abuser.

• Losing connection to your sense of self.

      Due to the enormous amounts of stress you may have been subjected to by the abuser, you may want to avoid all your emotions altogether. This overwhelming pain may elicit the fear of feeling everything too much which leads to a disconnect from one’s self, family, friends and surroundings.

•   Constant feelings of anxiety or worry.

As a result of staying in a relationship with an abuser, you may experience a build up of feelings of anxiety and worry. The abuser’s behavior is unpredictable which makes one to condition themselves to anticipate threatening events and this may generate high levels of anxiety and tension.

• Not believing you can do anything right.

A person who is gaslighting you might constantly make derogatory comments in a bid to discredit you thus making you question your self belief and capacity to believe that you are able to carry out and accomplish tasks successfully on your own.

•      Believing that you are to blame when things go wrong.

Self blame is a survival response that victims of abuse create in order to feel that they are in control of the situation. The primary goal is to feel safe when in actual fact, are not. There is also a “mask of concern” when dealing with a gaslighter in the sense that they pretend to care when they actually don’t. This pretence can be disguised as a reassuring statement like, “You know I’d never say those things if I didn’t care”. This leaves you feeling confused hence you may blame yourself because you feel that there is something inherently ”wrong” with you.

•      Loss of confidence.

A victim of gaslighting is conditioned by their abuser to think that they are inferior to them and others which causes them to doubt their own minds and ability to make decisions on their own. Overtime, this decapitates their self confidence and self worth.

 

•      A lingering sense of hopelessness and frustration.

You may often find yourself struggling with consistent feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and frustration which may have been created by the gaslighting behavior, self sabotaging thought patterns, self blame, guilt and shame.

•     Constantly wondering if you are too sensitive.

The main aim of the gaslighter is to control their victim’s emotions by talking down on them, isolating them, criticizing them, shaming them etc. When the victim rebels against this and defends themselves against the abuser’s behaviors, they are met with ridicule and end up feeling that something is wrong with them and in fact feel that they are overly dramatic and sensitive.

 

Changes in behavior due to gaslighting.

After undergoing gaslighting for a long time, your behaviors might start changing unconsciously. Such behavioral changes may include:-

1) Constantly second guessing yourself because you believe you can’t make decisions on your own.

2) Making choices to please others other than yourself.

3) Making excuses for the person towards family and friends.

4) Being a perfectionist. You constantly review your words and actions to make sure you’ve done everything right.

5) Spending little or no time on hobbies or activities you used to enjoy.

 

What to do next after recognizing you have experienced gaslighting.

1.       Step back from the situation and take a breather.

Intense emotions may arise when dealing with a gaslighter hence it is important to withdraw from the situation physically to help you manage these emotions. Taking deep breathing and mindful exercises can help you stay grounded and cope with these emotions.

 

  2       2. Save any evidence.

Be it a journal, text conversations and emails, it is important to have them saved somewhere you can access them. This is because, you may often find yourself questioning your sanity and recollection of events because of the effects of gaslighting. You can always look back on what you had jotted down and this will help you not to doubt yourself.

    3. Fall back on your social support system.   

Talk to a close family member or friend about what you are experiencing. This will be of great help because they will listen without judgement and understand you which will reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you and help you to validate your own feelings. Moreover, they will give an outsider perspective which will enable you to see things clearly.

   4.  Set boundaries

Set standards of what you expect from the relationship. State what you will allow and what you will not allow from the abuser and if they do not respect them, let them know that you will leave.

     5. End the relationship

This is the most difficult part but if you have tried everything you can to better the relationship without any results, it is necessary for you to remove yourself from the relationship and prevent further emotional and psychological damage. This can mean going no contact or having limited contact( in the case of a close family member) so that you maintain your sanity. Remember, saying no to the abuser and ending the relationship means saying yes to you. Saying yes to you means validating your feelings and experiences.

 Take out

It is important to note that even as you help yourself by using these strategies, it is important to talk to a professional counselor who will guide and support you in your healing journey. They will help you gain a clear perspective about the problem, help you regain confidence, self worth, self esteem and provide new coping strategies to assist you in your recovery. If this article has given you new insights concerning gaslighting, kindly leave a like on this article and follow this blog for more insights. Also, I would love to hear what you think about gaslighting, feel free to share your views on the comment section.

Written by Therapist Faith Chepkwony.